Daddy Dearest

I'm continuously striving to see the positive in every aspect of my life. But it's not always easy.

Belgium 2009

I was 18 when I got through my 1st and only real job. It was also my 1st interview ever and my father had accompanied me. He had full faith in me but I doubted the world outside my colony. Getting through an Airline job was tough especially when my colony was the only world I'd ever known. I had nothing to lose hence staying positive came easy to me. And it worked.

For my interview I got a suit stitched and my dad readied my documents. I remember he had also accompanied me to the passport office at Worli. At that point I was religiously preparing for that one question - So, tell us something about you  ? And I'm glad it was asked in each round by different people.

He had waited for hours outside the building for me. When I finally stepped out to give the big news he calmly replied - Mujhe Toh Pata Tha (I knew it) !!! He was the happiest I could tell and boasted about my achievement for the next 4 years until I quit.

First Class Service Training 2008

He hated my decision to quit. He had rightly warned me about the change of lifestyle post this job. It did get tough for me as I shifted from Rickshaw to Bus and from London to Lokhandwala. But flying had to come to an end.

Flying was special. It was nothing I imagined it to be and everything I couldn't have possibly dreamed about ever. The flight attendants job was one of the best things that happened to me. It gave me more than I could have asked for and I'm ever so thankful to the company. Quitting that job put an end to certain insecurities but on the other hand it gave way to some new ones.

Buckingham Palace 2007

Today I think I had more fire in me at 18 then now at 25 - No pun. I was passionate about becoming something in life until over exposure spoiled me. My life - and all our lives -are filled with challenges that make it difficult to always stay positive. I want to be like the horse with blinkers. It sees only what's in front and keeps going. I think I need to focus better. Or maybe I'll just ask my Dad to accompany me to Karan Johars office. His company might just work again you see. And the horse and the philosophy can go get some fodder.



Anyway, let me check - Dadddddddddd....

Insecure Basket

When Lily called up to wish me on my birthday she had a big news to share. She said her sister has found her a good match and she is certain that she is marrying him. It felt like a thoughtless decision taken on the basis of her current hectic work schedule and lack of socializing. But the truth about my angst was that I was insecure yet again.

When Lily left for Mexico nothing else seemed same as before. I made new friends but couldn't repeat the same bond with anyone. So the thought of sharing Lily with someone was upsetting. I thought I was losing yet another great friend. I felt very insecure and doubted if anyone understands friendship like I do. I was certainly not making any sense.

One of my friend Shakshat once asked me to not trust anyone but my own self. I wondered how could I completely give or receive love without trusting anyone ? Did that logic mean I can hurt anyone or act irresponsibly and back off by saying - I had told ya not to trust me !! Friendship means more to me so I bid him a mental farewell ( taking into account his other antics too ).

I was told I'm a great friend to have around. A Virgo all the way, I'm great at giving advice and I almost love unconditionally. So when I got closer to someone new Aneeka stopped hanging out with me giving lame excuses. It was unfair and drained me emotionally.

After days of avoiding I met Lily again on Facebook. She seemed as absorbed with the new development in her life but was worried if I felt left out. She was quick to show she cared and it instantly made me happy again. Her words made me realize that what we share is exclusive and will remain one forever. And what her to-be-husband will provide her is what I won't take responsibility for.  What if I found someone ? Her reassurance was all I needed to understand why the whole world left and she stayed to become my best buddy ever. We are priceless.

Well, friends are friends because they share something very stupid in common and not because things they don't. Bad intention are unforgivable but a friend can always be forgiven. I realized I had to ignore differences and give my friends a lot of space to create a beautiful bond. I shall never ever be insecure about losing my friends because the real ones will always stay even if I goof up big time or act stupid.

So there I was cool as a cucumber understanding fraands and fraandships.

( Names of people and places are changed )

Missing : Tasneem Songerwala

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart !

I was 17 when I 1st stepped out of my colony.

Everything outside BARC walls fascinated me. I was that guy who 1stly never had friends and when I did I did not hang out with them much. I avoided going in crowd. I found everyone my age to be mean or may be I was ultra sensitive. I very well fit the introvert description and certainly was a bit bitter to have had no friends. I just couldn't trust anyone forget about opening up.

But this story is about that stunningly beautiful lady with a more beautiful heart who turned out to be a strong and trustworthy anchor to my wandering teenage soul. It was a turning point in my life.

( May 2005 ) One afternoon early to the class I sat inside the Air-Conditioned admins office when I saw her walk in. She looked no ordinary. A diva in every sense. I died and reached the sweet haven when she turned around and asked others looking at me - Who is this young gentlemen. I almost peed in my pants. If it qualifies then that was our 1st interaction ever.

I'm Tasneem Songerwala, I'm your aviation instructor'' she introduced herself with a heart melting smile as our jaws dropped. I remember she had worn a pista green slim fit formal shirt and a formal brown knee length skirt with a belt. She had a glamorous existence and she knew it very well.
I was sitting on the corner seat smiling ear to ear because Ms.Magical was now going to be my instructor for next one year.
I left no opportunity to impress her and soon I was her blue eyed boy. Everyone in the class envied me.
14 years of flying experience and travelling the world oozed out in every small gesture of hers. She talked flirtatiously and we never had a dull moment in her class. What made Tasneem Ma'am strike a cord with all the students was her sense of humour that would have us rolling on the floor. My favourite would be her inflight stories.

Once she asked Hanika to leave the classroom because both of us couldn't stop laughing and I, she clearly knew was at fault. Moments like this reaffirmed that I was indeed her favourite, very clearly.

She managed to make me believe that I wasn't an outcast. The introvert in me was dying and she understood me like noone else ever did outside my family. At home I was a tiger but now there was a strong need to be accepted by the outside world. So when she came along I surrendered. I was awestruck but now I respected her more for seeing the real me inside.

Half way through the year came a sudden halt to this journey. She announced her exit from the academy. She was leaving India for good. Almost all of us cried the day she broke the news. This was the 1st time I saw her sad and soon she was gone. I wasn't prepared for it. I was hurt and somehow felt left out all over again.

Years went by and I missed her more every passing year. Wondering if she remembered me. I wanted to share so much with her. But she had vanished without a trace.

(2008) Years later I saw her at Mumbai domestic airport. Ofcourse where else could I have possibly met her. I was in uniform. It was exactly how I wanted her to see me. With every stride I walked faster. As I came closer I realized it wasn't her. A little disappointed I moved ahead with a big smile. It didn't matter if it wasn't her just her thought left me feeling so positive and rejuvenated for the rest of my life.

Once I troubled her to an extreme that I kept sending her voice-mails because she wouldn't  pick up my phone. I also remember how she failed me in a presentation because I assumed she would never fail me. But she did. It was 26th July 2005.

When my friends say missing someone is so painful I correct them and say missing someone is the most beautiful feeling. It can only get you smiling.

Tasneem ma'am lives in my heart and I'm sure one day I'll meet her in person too. For now half my prayers are answered. How ?

One fine day last year (2011) something unbelievable happened. I got a Facebook request from her. I smiled I cried I smiled again. It was a surreal experience to see her again, virtually though. I think she took time to recollect my face. But then that also makes me think if I added her on Facebook. Guess the excitement left me with no memory of the actual. I had my folks right behind me with their chin on both my shoulders looking at her snaps. Finally they had a face to the name Tasneem Ma'am.

(August 2012) 17 to 24 and she is my most favorite person on earth. A part of my peronality when you meet me still and will always reflect her. A lot of me today wouldn't have been there if I never knew her. I still trouble her with my side of stories and the connection just seems exactly how it was in 2005.

It's beautiful how some people walk into your life out of nowhere and leave such a big impact. From being introvert to not so introvert now I have come a very long way. It was Tasneem Songerwala for me, my angel. Do you have someone like her in your life too ?

La Casita, Calangute, Goa

We chose to stay at La Casita, Calangute. The pictures online suggested a grande affair at reasonable rates. Upon arrival we realized the heaters didn't work and soon the electricity supply shut. They did not even have their own  power inverter. All the rooms were still being cleaned and took almost 2hours to be readied. The walls in my room were stained and it smelled nasty. The towels were worn out and furniture broken. When confronted to the manager - Priscilla she said she had no idea what the agent Cris had spoken to us. Keeping our cool we ignored that the hot plate didn't work properly, and even the few available appliances were rusted and dirty.

Next day a we rented a Gypsy that broke down on our way back from Curlies. Priscilla told us about the snag in the car after we had reached our destination so it didn't make sense quitting the whole  fun halfway and the car hadn't yet given any problem yet until we were to leave. We could have taken a cab to hotel and abandoned the Gypsy. But we stayed waiting for help from La Casita. Till 2.30 all of us including 4 girls were in the middle of no where.


When finally the help came it was Prisciallas husband fuming at us to have made him move his butt so late at night. La Casita does know how to make their guest come back again and again to them.
She did pay part of money to us but didn't leave an opportunity to come across not so guest friendly. So much in a country where we say ATITHI DEVO BHAVA. But this is in Sanskrit. Konkani anyone ???
Goa has so many hotel to choose from. So now u know which to NOT go to.

Hotel - La Casita
Location - Calangute
Rate - Rs.2,500/night 2BHK ( off season )
Review - Skip it
Manager - Priscilla
Agent - Cris

''I made out with her 2years back''- said a coocoo

''I made out with her 2years back''- said a coocoo.  My jaws dropped in disbelief. Would I even trust an acquaintance who talks about my friend. I don't think so. Give me solid facts to start to even pay attention. One thing I know for sure is I'm not going to confirm this with my friend ever. Because I accept that truth has many versions and I leave it to that.

But what if I were to believe this male brag I-fucked-that-pussy really happened. But then I would only be doing so to get even with her. Go live your life I don't care. I'm a person who would not divulge every aspect of my life too. The reason being - Fear. Fear of many kind.

In 2010 when I quit my job I was in serious grip of fear. If I stayed with the job I would be stuck forever. And if I leave I might not have another job. For some quitting a difficult relationship is too hard. There is fear no. 1 - If I stay I would never be content. Fear no. 2 - After this if I don't get anyone. Fear makes us take worst decisions. We often end up making weakest decisions under fear.

''Some losses feel devastating when we experience them and sometimes, the gain isn't proportionate to the loss. But somehow, we survive in the wake of most every storm. Whether we thrive is up to us. That's a choice we need to make proactively, not in response to what we fear, but in response to what we genuinely want.'' - Tiny Buddha

So must have been some kind of fear in her to have shied away from discussing. Fear does kill lot of great existence. I feared losing out on great relationships so I did not say some truths. But then I see the point here as what went wrong when  I feared in front of some that had limitation of understanding. So I shall not re-do what I had faced. I shall extend -  trust.  Why ?? Because  I'm a survivor of fear.

Pervs

           

How uncomfortable women feel in local bus when men drop their eyeballs in their cleavage or when men try to put their gun on their shoulder to shoot. This is just a part of how horny Indian men get on the go. All in a country where we boast of being oh-so-shy about sex. It's almost like it doesn't exist. So, God actually drop babies when mama dada are fast asleep. It's true It's true. So much we trash Sunny Leone, Rakhi Sawant for their ''boldness'' and then ban telecast of Dirty Picture too. Lame. After all its India. Here kids, teenager know nothing about sex. Let me say it again - It's true It's true NOT.

Sex is a part of our life. And if it doesn't interest us us Indians then  we need to ASK THE SEXPERT.  No wonder we come across EXOTIC to westerners. After all so unbelievable we portray ourselves . Common now lets stop pretending or stop groping each other in public. Choose one.
Its simple, the more you suppress it the more curiosity. I wouldn't blame anyone, not even two straight men, going berserk over rubbing each other in a crowded bus or train (I excuse parties, it always with consent there, mostly).
We are sex starved, PERIOD ! Next time notice the number of head turn when a girl walks in. HOT or NOT. I swear I think its totally normal. But why that frown by the middle aged men, when you guys checking out anyway. Accept it. See now that's the problem. Better was the judge of that contest ( which I was part of ) who openly called the then-yet-to-be-winner in his car for a night over.

Let me talk specifically about my favorite city in the world and my home - Mumbai. We live in tiny houses. We haven't heard of privacy and space at all. The family eats sleeps and watches TV together. Indian values at its best. Right ? No. We are at limitation of space.  Life here in this city leaves us with no time. So sex is forgotten or simply slides down to the last thing in the priority list and venting out those urges becomes next to impossible at home. The only breathing time to look around for us becomes commuting in bus or train. Traffic here makes our 5mins journey 50mins, so what do we do with all the hotness available around in a crowded closed bus or train ? ummm ...I remember Daler Mehndi's song to describe this one - Mein Kardi Rub Rub Kardi.

Hanika was scratched on her shoulder by two boys on a fast bike. Another friend who complained how she couldn't get down a crowded bus without being groped. A rickshaw driver tries to take advantage of a foreign nationality. The heaped up sexual urges comes out in a very violent ways that hurt woman emotionally or/and physically. Why women, even I face model coordinators time and again. Okay now stop making up your mind about my profession. Sigh !

Like all other emotions sex exists. It's like hurt, suppressing it leads to mental trauma. Often suicide. Likewise works the sexual urge.Why does moral police disagree. We stop our daughters to step out in the evenings, to do overnights or simply to go on trips with friends. What are we scared of ? They might end up having sex ? Might get molested or be taken advantage of ? Well, this all can happen anytime and anywhere. So instead build a rapport of trust. Better ?
And the rest can go on putting down JISM 2 posters. And jerk off in their washroom remembering all that they saw at Sunnyleone.Com.
So much we pretend in a sex starved country like ours. Time to face it. Boo !

My Best Friend Lily

There were lot of mistakes I made while building new relationships. Having a lonely friendless childhood made me extra sensitive towards letting  go of anything. I enjoyed being a victim to this trait of mine.

When in school I had my 1st best friend. Who left me to be with someone more popular. After days of him ignoring me I finally managed to get of hold him and I remember, I cried more than I talked.
Well, I cried because I did not have many friend and losing the only friend was devastating. I was not too good at studies either. To top it I was a bullied kid at school.
Facial hair and ever increasing weight lowered my self confidence. Dancing is what kept me occupied as it got me atleast some appreciation from others at school. But the bullying continued.
As planned I lost a few kilos before my high school. I think I looked better and my confidence level was good enough to atleast walk through the school crowd.

It was 11th grade when I met Lily ( name changed ). She was everything I needed. This might sound a bit shallow but I wanted to be her friend to show her off to everyone in school. She was pretty and a well mannered girl and her US accent was exactly what would have gotten me attention from others if we started hanging out. But after a  few months we turned out become best friends. We were inseparable.
I got through as a Flight Attendant at the age of 18. She was still pursuing her graduation. I joined airline because I knew I again did not fit a typical college setting.
Flying got me new friends. I loved how I could choose to have more BEST FRIENDS.
A childhood dream of having many friends around made Lily and me a bit distanced. I grew closer to other friends. I had a new best friend - Ramanika ( name changed, u can still rhyme it with the real : P). Lily took a back seat. Our friendship started to fade and I did not care.
Lily moved on because I did. She had a new best friend too - Megha.

After years of being loyal to Ramanika I realized it broke over a silly misunderstanding and a big ego clash. I tried going back and apologizing. I beg and cried. But she turned out to be the sweetest girl with the biggest ego I had ever come across. I wish she chose friendship over ego. But she had made up her mind to leave.

Lily works in Canada now. Yesterday while talking to her on Skype I realized how de-stressed I felt. It was almost she sucked all the worry from my system. She always knew how to. It's just that I took time to understand.

Many questions in life are  answered at the very beginning. But a crazy and young mind needs to explore other options only to come back from where it had started only to value it more. So I searched the whole world and found out that the answer was Lily. And the question was - Will I ever have a soul mate??
We all run to find the most good looking pair of shoes.But at the end settle for the one that fits us comfortably . Right ?


Well, today I don't have single friend on facebook blocked or deleted. I leave no opportunity to reconnect with old friends and even the ones who gave me a tough time. Its just one life to live, and I want to live it beautifully.